Mary Sue: A Parody
by Vioshine
Summary: Haha! Bet you've seen enough of these, haven't you? Well, this is my own stab at a bit of humor. Poking fun at, of course, the infamous Mary Sue of the Newsies fandom.
1. Maria's Scheme

AN: My first attempt at humor. I'm actually very proud of this first chappie, though I'm not sure how the second one will turn out. Well, anyway, enjoy! Reviews apprectiated.  
  
Disclaimer: Disney owns Newsies. Not me. However, I recently acquired fifteen whole cents to my name. I'll buy it, if you want!  
  
Maria sat at her expensive vanity table, gazing in the mirror forlornly. Yet another suitor had come for her, and yet another rejection had been given upon meeting the snotty, overbearing man. Her father kept telling her that you couldn't always judge people by their appearances, but she could tell by his aura that the man was dreadful. It was kind of black, and it wiggled like worms.  
  
Maria often wondered if there was a guy out there for her. One that was kind, smart, and handsome (most importantly, handsome). He would be a real guy, not a pampered rich boy. A real working man of New York, like the extremely cute newsboys that Maria passed everyday on her daily walk to the various charity centers she helped out in.  
  
She noticed that her eyes had drifted with her thoughts, and they faced the invitingly open window, leading out to the balcony. It was the only door of her room (which had five) that wasn't guarded carefully in case she ran away. Even her closet had a body guard standing inside it, which was quite a nuisance when she had to change since he wouldn't move and, despite her father's immense fortune, she didn't have a walk-in closet. She would have to talk to her father about that. Maybe he could buy the orphanage next door, knock it down, and build an extension to their house, so that they would have enough room to build her a large closet for her bodyguard and her huge wardrobe. She nodded. It was a plan.  
  
Picking up her hairbrush, she focused her eyes back on the mirror and her own reflection. She had always been told she was beautiful, but, being a modest girl, knew that she really wasn't. She had thick, curly black hair that was easy to brush, almost fun, and sprang back into place when you pulled on it. Her skin was a delicate ivory with rosebud cheeks, and a near perfect complexion. (If you looked under a microscope, you would be able to see the blackhead that dwelled at the very tip of her cute, slightly upturned nose.) Her mouth was small and firm, yet luscious, and permanently dyed a pretty shade of dark pink from all the lip coloring she applied. Her eyes gazed at you from under thick lashes, deep pools of aqua that shocked anyone who saw her with their intelligence and spirit. (And it's hard to find a make-up that would do that to your eyes. Congrats, Maria.) She would never need glasses, as her vision got steadily better as she got older and was already as sharp as a hawk's. Even her teeth were perfect, as white and square as chiclets (if they had existed back then). The only people more perfect than her in appearance were those cute newsboys she passed every afternoon on her way back from Church.  
  
Wait! Newsboys! That's it! Maria had figured out her destiny. The girl was not averse to hard work, and was very good at charming people. Besides, she never got paper cuts. This had to be the work of fate. Maria was made for the job of a newsboy! She would find a cute, smart, handsome, kind, attractive newsboy and secretly elope with him behind her father's back, then they would run away together to some wilderness like Sante Fe. (Even though Sante Fe was a city and cities technically aren't wildernesses.) With a smile, she opened her closet door.  
  
"Fred, I need to get some things. Could you please move?"  
  
"No," the guard said stoically, staring ahead blankly.  
  
Maria sighed. "Please? It's really important."  
  
"Why?" Fred asked, with the same blank expression and bland tone of voice.  
  
"Because." And here Maria realized that she would have to tell the truth if she ever wanted to get out of here. She hoped she wouldn't blow her cover. "I want to run away and join the newsies, thus falling in love with one of them and eloping secretly behind my father's back." She bit her lip and held her breath, hoping he would understand.  
  
"Okay," Fred said, and stood aside. Maria breathed again, then choked because she had forgotten to unbite her lip.  
  
After a pat on the back from Fred which sent Maria sprawling to the floor and almost knocked her out, she managed to stop coughing. Reaching inside the closet, she pulled out a satchel handily made up for running away, and a pair of pants and a shirt, both common and already used. (She had had to hire someone to wear them until they had achieved the "used" affect, but in hindsight foresight was a wonderful thing.) She changed into her clothes and put on some shoes, already-broken-in, and told Fred he could go back in the closet. Closing the closet door on Fred's face, she picked up her satchel and walked out onto the balcony, climbing down the trellis that led from her window to the courtyard of their house. There were roses growing up the trellis, but they didn't have any thorns because they loved Maria to much to prick her. Upon reaching the bottom, she walked into the house (because it was a courtyard, being on the inside of the building, and if you wanted to leave the grounds from there you had to walk through the house) and past her father's open study door to the front entrance. Opening the main door, she called out:  
  
"Ta ta, father dearest! I'm off to join the newsies and secretly elope with one of them behind your back!"  
  
"Have fun, darling!" he called after her fleeting back. 


	2. The Alley Scene

AN: This chappie isn't as good as the last, I have to admit. But if you just stick with me, I think the third'll be better. Oh, and thanx for all the reviews! It's nice to know that I am not completely devoid of a sense of humor. Disclaimer: I don't own Newsies, Disney does.  
  
After several hours of wandering the Manhattan streets alone, Maria found that it was dark outside. Still, she had not found a suitable place to spend the night. Several friendly old couples, desperate for a child to love and raise, stood on the doorsteps of homes Maria passed. Both were waving, the man with one hand around his wife's shoulders and the woman holding a steaming gingerbread. Nearby, a newsgirls orphanage was being filled by a steady stream of its inhabitants, all of whom seemed to be intense smokers and gamblers. They started whispering amongst one another when they saw the girl pass. Taking pity on her, their leader stood and motioned for Mary Sue to come join the group. And, of course, several charities were holding Caviar Specials with Free Four-Star Hotel Overnights.  
  
After searching for a while, Maria decided she just could not stand it any longer. She was just too exhausted. At nine o'clock, despite the dangers of the street, she crawled into a nearby dark alley and fell asleep. Rabid rats clustered around her to keep her warm. They would never bite her because they loved her too much.  
  
This was how the unsuspecting Oscar Delancy discovered her. The only thought on the poor boy's mind as he walked down the lonely street was of his poor ailing sister, Jemima. He was working himself up to a storm thinking about her, lying in bed with pneumonia or tuberculosis or whatever it was. This was, in fact, the reason he and Morris had become scabbers. They didn't like the price raise any more than the others newsies, but unfortunately they had to think about somebody other than themselves. (That, and being the future crime lords of New York meant that you simply had to be the bad guy.)  
  
Then he stumbled over it. the trail of money leading into a dark alley! Thinking of nothing but his sister, he followed the coins into the gloom, picking them up as he went. They led to Maria.  
  
Maria was a very light sleeper, as it were, and as the shadow of Delancy fell over her (despite the pitch-black darkness of the alley), she awoke. A scream of utter terror pierced her lips. It was a well-tuned noise. Maria had practiced hard in self-defense classes and felt that her cry of distress said a lot about her. "I am a lady of high standing and many virtues (among them my perfect singing voice) who can afford to spend $500 dollars a week for three years on screaming classes. Save me!"  
  
Mush, the newsie on patrol duty that night, ran promptly into the alley and beat up poor Oscar. Wiping his mouth on his sleeve, he called after the Delancy: "Sorry about that, buddy. A job's a job, y'see." The other boy just nodded and limped away, wondering how he would pay for Jemima's medicine if he kept having to see the doctor about internal bleeding.  
  
"Are you alright?" Mush asked. Taking her cue, Maria smiled up at him in a dramatically weak yet very charming way, and fainted. 


	3. Aahreea

AN: Hey, thanks for all of the reviews, ya'll! I really appreciate them (and I'm desperately trying to return the favor and review your stories). Here's the next chappie. sorry it's a little late, but school and exams and all are slowing me up.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Newsies.  
  
"Haha, I won yet again!" Racetrack cried, reaching out to rake in the money. Dutchy threw a card at his eyes, temporarily blinding him.  
  
"Race, how many times I gotta tell ya," he said, grabbing his cash before anyone else got a chance. "A pair three high doesn't beat a royal flush."  
  
Racetrack stared gloomily at the pile of money (twenty-five cents of which used to be his) that was being piled into Dutchy's pocket. Of course, as a gambling addict, he knew his card games. He was just hoping that maybe nobody else did.  
  
"I wonder when Mush is coming back?" Kid Blink commented. He felt it his duty to comment on his best friend's absence, even though it was a well- known fact that Mush had been on patrol tonight. Besides, if somebody didn't give a cue Mush wouldn't know when he should come in.  
  
At that moment the door burst open. All of the newsies turned their heads in surprise. The weather (showing its usual appreciation of a story's atmosphere) had changed drastically in fifteen minutes. The outside world had become a place of driving rain and, if you managed to look up long enough without drowning, dark skies. A sudden flash of lightning tore through the darkness and illuminated the doorway, where a mysterious figure could be seen holding an obviously unconscious human in its arms.  
  
When the figure had stood there long enough to achieve maximum dramatic affect, he stepped into the room. All of the newsies turned back to what they were doing. Then, with a collective psychic "oh, yeah," they stood up and rushed over to the two.  
  
"Where'd you find her?" asked Boots, staring at the girl. He never got a chance to go on Newsies Patrol, being only about ten or twelve years old, and you could see the longing in his eyes.  
  
"Oh, in some dark alley," Mush said, shrugging nonchalantly. "You know how these girls are."  
  
"Is she alright?" Dutchy asked, looking down into her face. He poked her gently, hoping that she would wake up and look deep into his eyes, thus falling in love with him. Dutchy, like Boots, never went on Newsies Patrol, and he shuddered when he thought of the reason why.  
  
"Back off, blondie," said Mush, yanking his prize out of the other newsboy's reach. He then looked at her fondly and sighed. "You know the rules. You find her, you keep her." All around him, newsies were shoving and elbowing each other, trying to get a good view of the new girl. Making his way toward the stairs by kicking the shins of anybody who was in his way, Mush prepared to carry the girl to one of the bunks. A mess of the more popular newsies, including Kid Blink, Jack, Spot, and, at the back, Racetrack, followed their friend upstairs.  
  
As Mush laid the girl down on the blankets Racetrack, who was still in the back, poked Spot and hissed, "So what are you doing in the Manhattan lodging house?"  
  
Spot looked at Race in bewilderment. "Why wouldn't I be here?"  
  
"Um, isn't there some kind of gang war that Brooklyn's involved in right now?"  
  
The girl was just starting to stretch, clenching her fists and yawning wide. The newsies in the front stared at her expectantly. Spot whispered distractedly out of the corner of his mouth, "Yeah? So?"  
  
"Well," Racetrack said, talking slowly and carefully so that Spot might understand, "They need a leader to guide them and make sure nothing bad happens to his newsies." Obviously, the girl had just awoken, although Racetrack couldn't see because a wall of newsies obstructed his view. However, he did here a gasp, and Mush said, in a quiet voice:  
  
"Don't worry, your safe. We won't hurt you."  
  
At that moment, Spot arrived at his senses. "You're right! Gosh, I heard about a Mary Sue coming to Manhattan and I totally forgot about the gang war. My bad." He carefully removed himself from the line of taller newsies obstructing Racetrack's view and snuck out the door. Race, sniggering a little to himself, stepped into view.  
  
"What's your name?" Mush asked. Maria was just about to answer when Racetrack, mouth wide, responded:  
  
"Aahreea."  
  
"What?" came the chorused question as the other newsies turned to stare.  
  
Racetrack closed his mouth and swallowed, cursing himself inwardly for having messed up a perfectly good cliffhanger ending. Then, in a much weaker though still astonished voice, he said, "Maria." 


	4. Italian or Irish?

AN: Yeah! New chapter! Sorry, it's been a little hectic, what with exams and me desperately trying to finish a short story for English. So I've been pretty busy, but thanx for waiting, ya'll! Sorry if my sense of humor has seriously decayed since the first chappie. I think it'll get better soon. I hope it will, at least. Anyhoo, read and relax!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Newsies. Disney owns newsies.  
  
Kid Blink glanced between the Racetrack and Maria. Then, with a sigh, he asked, "Do you two know each other or something?"  
  
"Maybe," Racetrack said, glaring at the girl.  
  
"He's my brother," Maria said, ever anxious to appear level-headed and polite in front of a possible future husband. Then, shooting Race a glare so that she also showed some of her flaming spirit, she added, "I thought he was dead."  
  
"I ran away!" he answered, indignation radiating from every self-righteous pour in his body, "It said so in the note and everything."  
  
"Yeah, but it also said in the note that mama had died and papa was hard- hearted and you couldn't stand living in that fancy house that was like a cage anymore."  
  
"It's true!"  
  
"Mama never died! And just the day before you ran away I remember Papa taking us to the park and buying you a puppy from a box there and then we went home and he said, before we got out of the carriage, 'Just remember I'll always love you.'"  
  
Racetrack folded his arms over his chest and pouted. "Well, it still felt like a cage."  
  
"You were allowed to go anywhere you wanted!"  
  
"With bodyguards! Besides, if it was so easy to live there then just tell me why you left, why don't you?" When Maria did not answer, Racetrack gave a cry of triumph. "Hah! I knew it!"  
  
Actually, Maria did not want to say anything because she thought it might be a major turn-off if the boys knew she was desperate to secretly elope with one of them behind her father's back. But if it made her brother happy to feel like he had won, fine with her. It kept her cover just that much longer.  
  
"Ah, so wait a sec," Jack said, sauntering into the dialogue with a smirk on his face. He have pointed, half motioned from Race to Maria. "So you two are what, like, brother and sister?"  
  
Racetrack stared at Jack in amazement. Did he just hear any of their conversation? "Yeah, yeah, were brother and sister, Jacky-boy," he said, shifting from one foot to the other and glaring at Maria. "Unfortunately."  
  
"But ain't she Italian or somethin'?" Kid Blink asked.  
  
"Yeah? So?" Racetrack looked around at the other boys. He didn't like where this conversation seemed to be heading.  
  
"And that would make you Italian?"  
  
"Yeah, of course I'm Italian! What'd you think I was, Irish?"  
  
"Well," Kid Blink said defensively, "Your last name is Higgins."  
  
"Do I look Irish?"  
  
"Hey, hey, calm down Race. These kids never catch on. I mean look at them! They're still calling me Jacky-boy even after it was all over the papes and everything that my name is Francis Sullivan!" Jack smirked at his friends.  
  
"Your name is Francis?" Kid Blink asked, trying not to laugh.  
  
"Yeah, what's it to you, Elwood?" Kid Blink stopped in half-gasp and gave Jack (aka Francis) a murderous look.  
  
"Never. Ever. Call me that."  
  
Mush leaned over and whispered into Kid Blink's ear, all the while gazing warily at Racetrack and Maria.  
  
"Okay, so wait a minute. Racetrack is. not Irish? He's Italian?"  
  
"Yep, you finally caught on, slick." Kid Blink muttered back.  
  
Mush puzzled this for a second, and then laughed. Shrugging, he said, "Well, that's that then. Racetrack's Italian. Officially." Taking Maria's hand, he gazed deep into her eyes. "And so is she." He stared at Maria for a few more seconds, and her heart jumped. "Now scram, you guys. This lady's got resting to do!"  
  
"But she doesn't even have a scratch!" Racetrack protested.  
  
Maria sent her brother a look that would freeze Antarctica. Very proud of herself, she snuggled deep into the covers and said, "It's all right boys. I can move if you want me to."  
  
Jack, as leader of the Manhattan newsies, felt that he must act like a gentleman in this time of need. Sacrificing his pride, he said, "Oh, no, don't bother. Race can sleep on the floor. Right, Racetrack?"  
  
Jack elbowed the Italian into responding. Angry because Maria was getting all the attention, because he was getting walked on, because his disguise had been ruined, and most of all because there was no way he could be the lover-boy of this particular Mary Sue, he responded sulkily, "Yeah, sure, whatever."  
  
"Then it's settled! Everyone, grab a cigar and we'll all have a celebration chew!"  
  
"I don't like cigars," Maria said, innocently.  
  
Jack looked up from where he was ferociously gnawing on the end of a smoke, and slowly drew the offensive object from his mouth. Hiding it behind his back, he responded, "What a coincidence! Neither do I!"  
  
AN (again): Actually, not to offend anybody about the names or anything, I actually really like Francis. And Elwood's not that bad, either, although I'm not particularly fond of it. 


	5. Drama! haha

Disclaimer: I don't own Newsies.  
  
Shout Outs: Yay! I finally have enough reviews to do one of these (but just barely), so I decided to give it a try.  
  
Glimmer: Yay! I'm glad you liked my story. Yeah, I do think it's kind of funny that Racetrack Higgins is obviously Italian looking. I think that's one of the major. not really pet peeves. more like amusing discrepancies in the movie. Thanx for the review! :)  
  
Raeghann: Glad you liked it! :) I seriously doubt if this is that funny, so it's really nice to have some positive input. Thanx.  
  
Spotted One: I knew I heard the name Elwood somewhere, but I forgot where. I just recently saw the Blues Brothers over Christmas and it cracked me up! I so want their car. Well, before it kind of fell apart. But anyway, I'm glad you liked it enough to come back and read more.  
  
Ireland O'Reilly: lol. I know, even though it's pretty commonly known around the Newsies Fandom that Higgins is Irish vs. the actor is Italian, it never comes up in any fanfiction. A little strange, that. Oh well. Glad you enjoyed! :)  
  
"Hey, Jack, who's the girl?" Davey asked, walking up behind his friend as he waited for the distribution gates to open. "Another new recruit?"  
  
Jack looked at Maria, who had now thoroughly recovered from last night's shock and was jostling with the other boys for a place near the front. "Yeah," he said, "Mush found her in alley about fifteen minutes away from the lodging house. Brought her back, of course, and we're letting her stay with us until she finds her feet."  
  
Davey nodded knowingly. He watched as she shook her fist at Kid Blink, threatening him out of the way. (Although, of course, smitten with her good looks and charm, he was already bowing her forward.) "This one looks like she's got spunk," he observed. They both watched as she spit on the ground in front of Bumlets, who hurriedly took off his vest and laid on the damp spot so that she wouldn't have to step on it.  
  
"Yeah," Jack said, sighing. "And she's still a lady, too. I have to admire her for that. But you know, just once, I wish I could meet a really meek, quiet girl who would be willing to settle down. Or at least let me be the one who comes on to her. It would be. a change."  
  
"Don't we all," said Davey, who didn't really because he never got any girls in the first place, and therefore never had a chance to develop a taste for them. "So, what's the dirt on this one?"  
  
"She hasn't really spilled anything yet. Says it's 'too soon into the story' and it would 'ruin the suspense.' But Race says that she comes from a pretty well-to-do family, and must have run away for some reason."  
  
"Could she have been abused?" David asked, offering up the most likely reason.  
  
"Nanh."  
  
"Pulitzer's daughter, yet she despises the way he treats those under him?"  
  
"You know, if I hadn't met all hid daughters, I'd never have known that fellow even had a wife?" Jack shook his head. "Nah, she's a mystery. Even to Race."  
  
"Why would Racetrack suddenly know everything about this girl?"  
  
"Seems he's her brother."  
  
Davey gaped at Jack in astonishment. Then, shaking his head, he asked, "But isn't she Italian?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"But I always thought that Race was Irish!"  
  
Jack shrugged. "You know, it's funny, but that Higgins alias threw everyone off. No, apparently that kid is pure Italian."  
  
David shrugged, then laughed a little. "S'funny, the surprises life sends your way, isn't it?"  
  
The bell rang, and everybody rushed into the courtyard to get their papers. Afterwards, Jack emerged from the rapidly thinning crowd to see, surprise surprise, that Spot was in Manhattan yet again.  
  
Mush came out, walking alongside Kid Blink and thumbing through his papers. "You know," he said, turning to friend, "I swear the Refuge has been in the news so much lately that I can't tell whether it's opened, closed, or moved to Georgia anymore." Then he looked up, and stopped dead in his tracks.  
  
Jack saw Mush and was quick to stick an arm out, holding the boy back before he could try to pummel Spot. "He's got thugs ready to pound anyone who comes near him, remember?"  
  
Mush spat on the ground. "Spot don't belong in Manhattan," he said. "Coming over here with his foreign accent and his small-man complex, trying to steal what WE find in OUR alleys. S'just not right!" Raising his voice to address Spot, he added, "Hey, don't you have a gang war to attend to or something!"  
  
"I'm not here for some silly girl." Spot shook his head, approaching Jack. "I'm here to talk about boundaries. That you kids don't have. I want your kids off Brooklyn turf."  
  
"We haven't done anything."  
  
"You've been on our bridge for far too long, Jacky-boy. We want it back."  
  
"The Manhattan side has always been ours." Jack glared at the dangerous, yet puny leader of Brooklyn.  
  
"Then why's it called the Brooklyn Bridge?" Spot asked. Then, with slightly less venom in his voice, he added, "Besides, there hasn't been a gang war since Queens called it off last night, and my boys are getting antsy for a fight. I need to give them what they want."  
  
"What if we just gave you the Bridge, and called it a peace."  
  
"No deal. There has to be a fight, or else we're taking all of Manhattan." With that, Spot turned on his heels and stalked away.  
  
AN: Sorry it's taken me so long to update. Christmas and school have made my life a bit busy. Oh well. This chapter isn't that funny, but I hope you read it anyway! Reviews appreciated. Constructive criticism would help, too. For example, I noticed that there are too many "he said"s in this chapter of dialogue, but I didn't know how to fix it. Somebody recommended that I add some drama to my story as well, though now I can't find their review. Thanx for that, and I'll take any comments on how well I handled this aspect happily. (I'm just not a very dramatic person, I guess.) 


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